I’m Lonely

by Amber Stiles on June 20, 2012

While I was pregnant with Alexa I had all sorts of other friends in the same predicament.  Lots of new babies came to be in the months following Alexa’s birth.  Some born within a month or two, some only a twinkle in their parents’ eyes.  Lots of new life and bonding over them.  I thought I would have all these magical relationships because of that.  We all stalked each other’s pregnancies and baby registries.  We attended showers and welcoming parties.  We visited each other in the hospital when things went wrong and in the comfort of our homes when things were good.  We were THERE, until we weren’t.

When I was pregnant with Alexa I didn’t know what to expect.  Of course, being my first time and all, that came with the territory.  I didn’t know that parenting styles would be the new dividing line between friendships.  I didn’t know that random family choices would break hearts.  Suffice to say I lost touch with most of my first mommy friends for some reason or another.

I’m lonely now.  When Emma came into this world I was no longer a new mom freaked out at every fuss.  I’m seasoned so to speak.  I’m also lucky to have an easy going second child.  I’m still trapped.  This time not by strict schedules that I fear mussing up, but by lack of social ties to the outside world.

As the physical friendships of the past few years waned, I turned inside.  Inside my computer that is.  I feel trapped in this box.  I love my bloggy friends so very much.  Some of you have been there from the very beginning.  Some from before I had a blog and was in the bowels of LJ!  I love you and thank you.

That said, I miss being able to hug my friends.  I want real life friends but I’m at a loss.  I do have a few awesome people on my life that I can talk to and count on, but day to day we’re all so busy.  Our kids are all at different stages in life.  They have VERY different schedules.  From sleep to eating to school and activities.  Many have jobs during the week and we all have jam packed weekends.  We only see each other during milestone occasions and the rare play date.

I miss my friends.  I miss our play-dates.  I miss our kids being together.  I miss adult conversation on a weekly basis with people going through the same thing as me…in real life.  I yearn for family dinners together.  I want a girls night out in town…or at least the chance of it.  I don’t want to HAVE to go to a blogging convention for this!

I’m lonely here with my ThinkPad and iPhone.

I’m busier than ever…but bored just the same.

I crave adult conversation even if it’s bellowed over squealing kids, or sped through between tending to babies.

I miss friends IRL like never before.

Comments make me smile!

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Tracy June 20, 2012 at 5:43 pm

This makes me cry. Me too, mama. Me freaking too.


Amber Stiles June 20, 2012 at 6:27 pm

It sucks. I wish all my bloggy friends could live together. Sisterwives forever! I really do need some *real* friends that I see on the regular though. It’s hard to work out the schedules…and so easy to come up with excuses.

Have you made any friends up in Mass yet? Peter’s cousins live up there, but I’ve only been to the Boston area once.


Trish June 20, 2012 at 9:27 pm

I wish I was there to hang out with you. I wish we had hung out more when I lived in NJ, but I was too wrapped up in my own stuff all the time. But now I’m in the same boat as you are, just a different side of it. I’m not a mom. I’m not part of the mommy club, and it’s hard to watch all of my friends having babies and relating to each other and bonding over that, and I’m here just being lonely and child-less.
We talk about having babies all the time but the time never seems right. Now that my husband is finally employed again the possibility is there, and as exciting as it will be for me, I’ve missed the boat, so to speak. All of my friends have already had their babies, they already know what they’re doing. I’d be on my own, no one to share the excitement and fear with.
And that’s a lonely prospect too.
Hang in there, though. And even though I’m far, I’m here for you! :)


Amber Stiles June 20, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Oh thank you. I wish we would’ve hung out more when we had the chance too!

I can totally see how you’d feel lonely for the exact opposite reasons. It’s weird that once you’re “in” you forget that those without kids (who do or don’t want them) might feel a bit left out.

Just know, that if you decide to have one (please do, the world needs more mixed kids HEHEH) I’ll be super excited for you. Just because I did this twice doesn’t make me an expert by any means. I know my kids and how things work for me. For that matter, both of my kids were so different that I’m relearning so much. I’m sure a third (not that I want another) would be another different experience. I would be there to help you and fawn over a new life with you the same as if you had done it 3 years ago when I started!

So much love, thank you <3


Little Big / Carrie Anne June 21, 2012 at 12:29 am

Oh, Amber, I am so sorry to hear this. :( It is so hard to nurture connections to other people when you don’t even have time to nurture *yourself.* I wish I could skip right over the middle of the country and give you the most enormous hug and then take you out for a day of thrifting, ice cream, and cooing over babies.



Amber Stiles June 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm

That’s one of the problems with internet friends…we’re all so far away. I used to meet ALL my online buddies because I only went in NY/NJ chat rooms. AGH chat rooms? I’m old. But now my besties are scattered all over. I love that I get exposed to such wide ranging lifestyles through them…but it makes hugs hard!


Anna June 23, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I have 2 little ones, and I know how you’re feeling. The friends with kids are impossible to schedule time with. The friends without kids don’t get it or don’t want to get it. Mommyhood is amazingly isolating, and it’s so easy to get lost in your children. Thank you for being so honest, and I wish we were closer. I’d playdate and GNO with you! We could share a baby sitter. :)

(Visiting from SITS. I’ll be back!)


Amber Stiles June 26, 2012 at 1:54 am

So true, so true. I love my friends but we’re just not able to make a lot of time for each other. At least I know they’re still there :-)


Michelle June 23, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Cute blog name! I am a SAHM mom with two little guys under 4 so I can totally relate.
Hang in there! It can be hard sometimes for sure.
Stopping by from SITS!


Amber Stiles June 26, 2012 at 1:54 am

Thanks :-) How old are your kiddos? I think next year will be easier since Alexa will be in school so I’ll have some class mom stuff to do. Hopefully I’ll make friends with some other parents.


PhotogCynthia June 23, 2012 at 7:47 pm

I am so sorry that it is so lonely for your right now. I think when you have little ones at home that is a lonely time. Once they start school the adult connections start up again. Hang in there. You are passing through a lonely time but it won’t always be that way.


Amber Stiles June 26, 2012 at 1:55 am

I’m hoping you’re right. Alexa starts up preschool this Fall and I’ll do all that I can with her school events. Hope to make a mom friend there!


Tina June 23, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Aw! I’m with Cynthia, I think this is just a phase all moms of small children go through. Sometimes our lives isolate us, but this too shall pass – luckily you have us bloggy friends tho! Back when my kids were small the internet was just in it’s infancy – am I dating myself lol?! Anyhoo, hang with us SITStahs until you can get out :)


Michelle June 24, 2012 at 1:28 am

Having little ones is isolating. Keep trying to schedule grown-up time…it’s worth the effort! Look around for something to join to meet new people…a book club, library reading time, hanging out at the park to meet new moms….there are options it just takes a lot of effort!


Amber Stiles June 26, 2012 at 2:01 am

I miss the gym, but I have to wait till Emma’s 6 months to let her be in the nursery. It’s not that I don’t have people in my life…I just can’t seem to synch up my schedule with theirs. I’m hoping that in the Fall when everyone is back from vacations and what not….and I’m a bit more acclimated to having two littles….then things will even out and I’ll fall back into normal habits.


misssrobin June 24, 2012 at 3:02 am

I’m sorry it’s lonely right now. I hope that passes quickly.

For me, the best place to find friends has always been church. I don’t know if that’s something in your life or not. I hope you can find some way to reach out to others, maybe to reconnect with people from the past.

It will get better as your kids get older, especially if you keep trying. As they get involved in things outside of your home so will you. Best wishes on this journey.

Stopping by from SITS. I hope you have a nice weekend.


Amber Stiles June 26, 2012 at 2:09 am

I’ll be ok. Thanks for thinking enough to comment :-) This week is already better. Sometimes I get in a funk.

I’ve often joked that the one thing I missed out on from not going to church was friends. I don’t believe in anything so I can’t really do the church thing. We tried to start going to a UU “church” for this reason but haven’t really gotten into it. Maybe We should look back into it.


Louise Ducote June 25, 2012 at 1:59 am

I love the honesty in this post, and the fact that you don’t try to wrap it up with some neat conclusion; it hangs open-ended, mysterious and a little sad, just like life.


Amber Stiles June 26, 2012 at 2:09 am

Thanks you. Life is pretty open ended. You’re so right. I’m thankful for that. We can try our best, but we never really know what will happen :-)


Blond Duck June 25, 2012 at 10:43 am

Popped in from SITS! As a writer who works from home, I understand. Everyone either has kids or works, so I spend a lot of days alone.


Amber Stiles June 26, 2012 at 2:11 am

I’ve been getting closer with some old friends and with some of Peter’s friends’ wives. I really like these women and hope these budding relationships flourish. Our kids are all the same age so it makes things easier for sure.


Student Mom (Jenn) June 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Ooh… I work out and have a 4 year old, and I’m still lonely in that sense. My friends are in different towns or on different schedules (and countries) so it sux! But I agree with Missrobin – church is the best place to find your friends. You find older women to advise on the kids, younger women to wallow with because of the kids (not that we don’t love them til our hearts ache, but some days you just need someone to cry with) and young girls to take the kids off your hands when you need a break.

God is amazing. He hears the cry of our hearts and provides the solution. He’ll put the women you need in your life.


Amber Stiles June 26, 2012 at 2:12 am

I’m glad your faith brings you happiness and comfort…and friends! I don’t do church but really should seek out some sort of community based group that will meet the same needs :-)


Student Mom (Jenn) June 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Blast! In from SITS – I keep forgetting to put that in my comments!


Denise June 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I understand too. I still try to make it to mom’s night out that a group of us still have each month but it gets harder as we get busier. I spend a lot of time in the computer. It’s tough to keep up with folks in real life.


Mamaintheburbs July 1, 2012 at 5:02 am

You are definitely not alone. Recently I lost a few close friends bc they don’t have children. They find it hard to relate to me and my world. I’m very sad. We used to vacation together, do everything together. And slowly since we adopted Sylvia, they have loosened their ties with me. I’m hoping to find new mommy friends when Syl hits preschool too. It’s just so hard to meet new friends at our ge. Everybody has such demanding schedules. I am super happy that my best bud Tracy moved to town;)

I love your blog and have slotted it into my reader. Still new at all this social media stuff. Though I blogged for a few years when I was going thru infertility and Ivf.


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