Do you love babies more? Do you love your second child more than your first only because they’re younger? I don’t, but some days I can understand how much easier it is to be unconditional in my feelings towards a 6 month old. It’s only because they’re so innocent that there’s no reason not to. It really has little to do with the actions of the older child.
I’ve been questioning if I loved Alexa more as a baby than I do now. I don’t think that’s true, but looking back at some old pictures choked me up a bit yesterday. She was so little. So very very small. She had done nothing to ever anger me. She had done nothing but exist purely. The same as her sister now. At 3 and a half though, of course there have been angry words and hurt feelings. I know it’s natural but it’s shaking me a bit.
I worry sometimes. I see people vilifying their older child because they expect more out of this small person now that there’s a baby around. Babies are innocent, always, until they’re no longer babies right? We need to remind ourselves that our first borns did not age more quickly since the birth of their brothers or sisters. They only SEEM bigger and more capable.
Is it just easier to love a baby and a fully formed person? Babies are easier. They’re not EASY, but they’re easier than kids. Well they seem to be. Their needs are clear even when they’re not. Babies want love, food, and a clean diaper. There’s no willful intent behind their cries. There’s no manipulation to try to stay up later for another show.
Kids have emotions that are greater than that, or are they? When your child is screaming out that they need you, that they miss you….isn’t it just their basic innate needs coming into play here? When they seem to be mean and hurtful…are they really just telling you that you have to be more present?
Especially after you have a second child. When you time and abilities are split. They were used to having you all to themselves. I can see now why people have children close together. It’s easier on the kids when they don’t remember a time without a sibling. A 3 year old certainly does. They remember that they used to be your one and only. Now they have to share.
Mine seems to miss being alone with me. Of coures that brings on guilt. Always lots of mommy guilt. I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing. Tired of feeling like I’m screwing everything up. I don’t know….am I? It’s been so cranky here lately. There’s some back-story that I’m assuming caused the latest outburst, but that doesn’t really matter. In the end your kid is screaming out that they want YOU, and all you want is to…be alone for a little while because it’s so overwhelming. I guess it’s overwhelming for them too right? They’re crying that their tears are stuck in their throat and that their heart hurts. Tiny little bodies that seem so old some days are really just so young.
None of this is fair. But life isn’t right? Having kids hurts. It’s amazing sometimes but it definitely hurts. I don’t have a resolution or even a question for all of this. I’m just working some things out.