I wasn’t going to write about this yet since it just started; but…I want to be honest with myself as well as my friends and family.  I want to lay it all out there, because sometimes things are better out than in.  I’ve been thinking about seeking help for my moods.  Today I had my first appointment with a psychiatric nurse (she does therapy AND medication management).  I’ve done all this before but it’s always hard to reach out and admit that I’m faltering.

You all know I’m that I’m generally not one to ask for help until it’s almost too late.  Sometimes it IS too late when I crash and burn all over myself (though that hasn’t been the case for 10 years or so thankfully).  It sucks admitting that you’re weak.  It sucks admitting that to yourself and to those closest to you.  It sucks feeling like you’ll be judged for not having the wherewithal to just PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER WOMAN!  Sometimes I can.  This time I wanted to nip my shit in the bud before it got out of hand.

I’m assuming you’ve all realized that some things here at home aren’t ideal.  No, my life didn’t take a nose dive.  And no, my “bad” isn’t the worst the world has seen.  But it’s all relative and it’s bad enough for me to feel off kilter.  My moods…my reactions to others…my own lack of action to take care of myself…are all bad enough to seek treatment.

So I did just that.  Today.  I am now scheduled to meet with my brand spankin’ new therapist every other week.  I have a ‘script in my wallet waiting to be filled.  I have a plan of action to take care of myself so I can take care of my family.

*I want to thank Tracy from stoopmama for laying it all out there and making me realize that I need some extra help again.  She wrote a really great blog post on dealing with her own depression and anxiety and why it keeps her from making plans with friends.  I’m guilty of backing out of things I used to consider fun because I’m so worried that someone is judging me I can’t enjoy myself.  

Do you love babies more?  Do you love your second child more than your first only because they’re younger?  I don’t, but some days I can understand how much easier it is to be unconditional in my feelings towards a 6 month old.  It’s only because they’re so innocent that there’s no reason not to.  It really has little to do with the actions of the older child.

I’ve been questioning if I loved Alexa more as a baby than I do now.  I don’t think that’s true, but looking back at some old pictures choked me up a bit yesterday.  She was so little.  So very very small.  She had done nothing to ever anger me.  She had done nothing but exist purely.  The same as her sister now.  At 3 and a half though, of course there have been angry words and hurt feelings.  I know it’s natural but it’s shaking me a bit.

I worry sometimes.  I see people vilifying their older child because they expect more out of this small person now that there’s a baby around.  Babies are innocent, always, until they’re no longer babies right?   We need to remind ourselves that our first borns did not age more quickly since the birth of their brothers or sisters.  They only SEEM bigger and more capable.

Is it just easier to love a baby and a fully formed person?  Babies are easier.  They’re not EASY, but they’re easier than kids.  Well they seem to be.  Their needs are clear even when they’re not.  Babies want love, food, and a clean diaper.  There’s no willful intent behind their cries.  There’s no manipulation to try to stay up later for another show.

Kids have emotions that are greater than that, or are they?  When your child is screaming out that they need you, that they miss you….isn’t it just their basic innate needs coming into play here?  When they seem to be mean and hurtful…are they really just telling you that you have to be more present?

Especially after you have a second child.  When you time and abilities are split.  They were used to having you all to themselves.  I can see now why people have children close together.  It’s easier on the kids when they don’t remember a time without a sibling.  A 3 year old certainly does.  They remember that they used to be your one and only.  Now they have to share.

Mine seems to miss being alone with me.  Of coures that brings on guilt.  Always lots of mommy guilt.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing.  Tired of feeling like I’m screwing everything up.  I don’t know….am I?  It’s been so cranky here lately.  There’s some back-story that I’m assuming caused the latest outburst, but that doesn’t really matter.  In the end your kid is screaming out that they want YOU, and all you want is to…be alone for a little while because it’s so overwhelming.  I guess it’s overwhelming for them too right?  They’re crying that their tears are stuck in their throat and that their heart hurts.  Tiny little bodies that seem so old some days are really just so young.

None of this is fair.  But life isn’t right?  Having kids hurts.  It’s amazing sometimes but it definitely hurts.  I don’t have a resolution or even a question for all of this.  I’m just working some things out.

Today I beat Alexa at Tic Tac Toe.  She was displeased.  We start another hard life lesson that kids HAVE to learn – how to lose gracefully.  So how does one go about explaining to a three year old that it’s good to lose?  How do you instill good sportsmanship into your child?

I’ll be honest.  I let her win the first game.  I was trying to explain the rules…that I knew she wouldn’t understand completely…while teaching her how to make her X’s and O’s.  So I showed her how to “block” me from winning.  She did so with prompting.  During the next game I tried to show her how to do it again but she was more concerned with doodling.

So I struck the winning blow (or well….O…HA!).

She cried.  Mean Mommy!

I tried to explain how there are many times in life where you will win and many you will lose.  It’s natural.  It’s life.  I don’t want a super crazy competitive kid…but I also do want a “trophy for trying” every single time.  Ya know?  I know you know!   I want to raise a good sport.  A kid (and eventually an adult) that wins and loses with grace.  No nanny nanny poo poo chanting here please.

So how do I do that?  The consensus seems to be:

Model The Behavior

If you’re disappointed in something, let your kid see…but let them see you cope with it rationally.  Praise effort, praise the winner, accept your lose.

Emphasize Doing Your Best

Trying is sometimes as hard as winning for some kids.  Getting them to step out of their comfort zone when they may, GASP, lose…is a big deal.  Make sure they know you’re behind them 100% no matter the outcome and that giving their best effort is just as important as winning.

Let Them Lose!

Stop letting your kid win all the silly games you play at home.  Stop letting them think they’re the smartest people in the whole wide world.  Let them taste disappointment a little bit at a time in a safe environment.  Ease them into it.

Set Rules

Correct your child if they have a fit over losing.  Remind them that it’s not acceptable to lash out.  Remind them that games are supposed to be fun!

Talk About Winning AND Losing

Talk about how it feels when they’re on either side.  Teach them to verbalize the hurt and the joy.

Here’s to hoping I can teach both girls how to play games for fun, how to compete without becoming competive, and how to win AND lose in ways that respect their game and their opponents.

Today Alexa and I had a mommy & me double date with a friend and her son.  We were off to the movies.  A lunchtime viewing of Ice Age 4.  A cute little flick perfect for both of the kiddies.  It should have been pleasant.  It should have been empty in the middle of the afternoon on a Friday.  It shouldn’ve been but it wasn’t.  Instead we learned a lesson today.

So what was this lesson?  Well it had to do with behavior issues.  Nope, not from our kids.  And nope not from the other familes with toddlers trying to enjoy an overpriced show with overpriced snacks and an overly chilly theather.  Nope it was from the over crowding that came when 100 some-odd grade-school age boys piled into the room with us when their sports camp was rained out.

We were all settled in waiting for the show to start.  Families scattered about with plenty of room to spare.  THEN, we saw rows and rows of kids streaming in.  There were MAYBE 4 teenage counselors and I *think* ONE adult.  Ok, let’s first start with the fact that the student to teacher ratio seems WAY off at 20:1.  I’m pretty sure that’s not in line with NJ standards of child care….even in a camp setting.  There just weren’t enough people there to supervise these rowdy kids.  Then add to that the counselors sitting out in the hallway or napping in a row by themselves during the movie and doing NOTHING about the fact that these kids were getting up every 2 seconds and disturbing everyone around them.

You best believe I said something.  I said something directly to the kids sitting behind us that continued to bump my daughter’s head when they got up and down.  I said something to the teenager group leader who was standing outside the door when I left the theater.  I said something to the ticket taker to let her know what was going on inside (she told her boss who did reprimand the group, but did not ask them to leave).  I also spoke to the manager on the way out…who comped our next show.

The lesson in question was how NOT to act when out in public.  I used this as a teachable moment with Alexa.  She was upset about it a little.  So we talked.  She told me that it wasn’t nice…how they acted.  We talked the idea that just because their parents weren’t there doesn’t mean they should be allowed to act out.  We also talked about how rude it was to interrupt other peoples’ viewing of the show over and over again.  She actually seemed pleased when we drove off.  She knew that it was wrong and I’m a little thankful that I was there to talk about it with after witnessing something so bizarre first hand.

**I’m sorry but it was all just unacceptable.  Who does that?  Who lets 100 eight-ish year old boys have free reign of the place without renting out the entire space for your group?  Why wasn’t there a rule in place that said you had to have “this many” adults per “this many” kids?  Why weren’t they there BEFORE the show started so they could get their snacks and sit in a group  rather than piling in between those of us that thought ahead?  

Best yet, why was a sports camp at the movies?  Yeah yeah it was raining.  So have a gymnasium set up to take you in if your outdoor games gt rained out.  Or hey?  Go home?  

I would be livid if I was a parent of one of those boys.  Not only were they put in harms way by not having enough supervision but they were not kept in line when they started to get out of control.  If I pay good money to have my child’s life enriched through any camp I expect them to be involved in something less mind numbing than a cartoon movie (that the ones behind me had clearly seen since they knew the words?).  I would be mortified if my kids acted so rudely to the other patrons.

I’m pissed and ranty.  Sorry.  The resolution for me was that the manager gave us free passes to another show.  Yay.  But I’m still annoyed.  More so than necessary but whatever.  I’m trying to track down the camp to tell the supervisors that their plans of a nice day at the movies ruined the afternoon of about 10 other families.  Too bad their name is oh so generic – Ultimate Sports Camp.  Ugh do you know what Google does with that?  GAH!

When I was pregnant this time we didn’t bother dreaming of a new perfect nursery.  There wasn’t much nesting at all.  We initially assumed that Emma wouldn’t need a room of her own until she was at least a year old.  WRONG.  We thought we could get away with keeping her in our room until it was time to just let the girls share a space.  NOPE.

We based all of our decisions on our first round of parenting.  I know…I KNOW…all babies are different.  But but but, I’ve only parented ONE past this point and she slept with me till she was 18 months and didn’t sleep through the night till she was 22 months (she slept with Peter those 4 missing months if you’re doing the math).  I didn’t know what a nap alone for more than 20 minutes looked like till she was 1-ish.  Point being, I just thought Emma would need me to sleep for a bit longer.

My little baby is now taking 1-3 hour naps twice a day on her own.  We’ve actually had two days where both naps were 2+ hours alone, one of which I put her down asleep and she stayed that way without nursing or shushing!!!!  At night I put her down between 8 and 9 and she stays put until 12 or 1am.  It’s pure craziness compared to last time.

It would be all fine and good if these sleeps were happening in her own room…or even the crib that’s set up in our room.  But no, they’re in our bed so when I’m so very tired and she’s still asleep, I feel like I need to wait until she wakes for a night feed to go to bed.  I don’t want to wake her to eat earlier than she wants because…HELLO…I want her to sleep for a long long time LOL.

I also don’t want to wake her by coming in and trying to sleep next to her.  Who would’ve thought such a teeny person could take up a whole bed.  Girlfriend rolls all over so she needs a buffer zone and she’s usually dead center when I go to bed.  So poor mom ends up in a pile of pillows on the floor at the end of the bed.  Not so comfy.  Not so restful.  Something needs to change.

Suffice to say…Peter’s prepping to say goodbye to his office.  I’m excited because I get to pick out new nursery decorations!

Here’s my confession, I’m completely obsessed with looking at pictures of biracial babies.  If I find a blogger that has half Asian kids  I will dig through her archives to find pictures of her kids at various ages.

I guess I want proof that my children have a chance of looking at least a little bit like me.  I also love to see other families that look like ours.

I’m self concious about looking like an outsider.  To me…the girls look way Asian.  Even if you take their very “white” looking hair and other various features…the eyes have it.  That slight tilt to the corners, the folds that dip in differently from mine…it tells the world that they’re indeed mixed.

Please don’t take this the wrong way.  Obviously I think the Asian people, men specifically, are attractive.  I did choose to date and have children with one heh!  I’m just sensitive that people think they look like “all Peter” rather than a “good mix”.

I guess it’s just a bit of motherly pride as I want people to make the connection when they see us together. I want to show off my beautiful baby girl. I want to tell strangers that I carried her in my womb for nine months and have the varicose veins to prove it. But I don’t. Instead, I casually mention in the conversation that my husband is Caucasian and hope that they make the connection. ~ Theresa on Off Beat Mama

To keep it fair, here’s a few pictures of my mixed kiddies!

It’s over.  I’m a quitter.  I’m a Medifast dropout.  It just wasn’t for me.  That doesn’t mean I’m done trying to get back to my old self.  It just means I’ll have to try a different way.

Medifast Didn’t Fit My Needs

• First, I don’t like the taste of anything other than the bars and the shakes.  So basically…I felt like they were just “free” snacks.  Starting the day with something sweet sets me off wrong.  I need to feel like I’m starting with something healthy.  It’s one of the reasons smoothies never satisfy me first thing in the morning for me.
• Second, I never felt full from any of the foods.  Right now, while I’m nursing basically 24/7 still, I wake up STARVING.  Yes, sure, I could eat a lean protein meal for breakfast, and I do, but I don’t need the shake too.
• Third, If I can snack on fruit what’s the point of using Medifast meals as snacks?  Of course they’re low in calories and high in vitamins, but I’d rather have a bowl of strawberries than a small bar.
• Fourth, I think all the diet “chemicals” (ie: artificial sweeteners) were making me feel zappy and shaky.  I’ll keep my chemicals in soda form.  Pass the Coke Zero LOL.

Ok so that’s why I don’t want to be on this plan any longer.  So what will I do going forward?  I guess I’ll go back to just trying to eat “clean”.  I’ve been feeling like a failure since I wasn’t dropping weight on the plan (my fault not its) but I was also feeling obsessive.  Like I was heading towards the wrong goal.

For now I need to stop weighing myself.  Stop obsessing about my current size.  Stop worrying about how I look and focus on how I feel.  I feel like shit lately.  Even more so than before the diet.  Mentally I’m torn to bits over “letting myself go”, but I also need to remember that I HAVE to stay healthy and energized to take care of two kids.

I need to get back to basics.  I need to shop the perimeter of the store.  I need to eat healthy whole foods.  I need to SLEEP more.  I need to drink more water.  I need to get off my ass and work out.  I need to make fitness a goal rather than weight loss.  I need to focus on the positive.  I need to stop hiding and start living again.

I’m going to preface this by admitting I had a craptastic week…emotionally and nutritionally.  I wallowed and I made bad choices.  Today I start anew, again.  I’m not weighing myself because I don’t want bad news right now.  I totally understand that this is a defense mechanism and I’m ok with that.

OOoooooK, now that confession time is over I want to talk about what my real diet consists of.  I’m basically eating 3 Medifast meals with healthy regular foods mixed in.  I’m super picky but have grown accustomed to the shakes and bars on the plan so those are what I stocked up on.

I make up two shakes in the morning.  One for me and one of Peter to drink on his way to work.  We’re both on the plan which is great, but the plan is only as strong as me since we’ll both “cheat” if I want junk food :-/ I like having him on plan with me to a point, but I need to learn not to lean on anyone for dieting strength because it only works if *I* want it to!

Enough about my mental hang ups.  Back to the food.  I wasn’t willing to give up my new healthy choices and routines so I was initially hesitant to start this program.  Then, of course, I found the breastfeeding info and realized I could still eat my fruits and veggies…and still COOK.  I don’t normally love to cook, but with the advent of Pinterest I’ve been collecting tons of healthful recipes.

I do have some exciting news.  Our new elliptical came in and is set up!  Peter and I have both been working out daily.  Of course “cheating” on the diet creeped in because “HELLO I’m working out, duh!” but yeah that’s dumb and over now.  Diet AND exercise are equally important.  I need good fuel to keep my mind and body happy…and I need exercise to do the same!

Come back next Saturday where I hope to have even more good news and less of me

Emma is rounding the corner to 5 months and she wants to PLAY.  I mean, as much as a baby can play for real…for real?  I hang out with her all day but I don’t really remember how to play with an infant.  I don’t know what to do with her a lot of the time.

I think part of it is because Alexa never really played as a baby.  I had to be her full time entertainment.  That usually consisted of me sitting in front of her, on the floor, while she was in her bouncer.  I made stupid faces, played peekaboo, showed her that her activity bar did stuff.  Took a whole boat load of pictures.  But really, that was about it.

Emma isn’t contented with mere baby tricks.  She actually wants to do things with her toys.  She doesn’t have the dexterity down to really use them properly, but girlfriend will go to town on anything she can shove in her mouth.  She thoroughly enjoys chewing the crap out of things.  She also kind of sorta enjoys tummy time and playing by herself on the activity mat.

I’ve read all of the parenting sites.  I know babies are supposed to dig having feathers and silky scarves rubbed over their tummies.  They like the smell pretty flowers.  They like to experience sensation.  But really, that’s like saying I like my food to have  a taste.  I can only play with my treasure trove of scarves before we both get terribly bored.

I’m starting to miss the days of being trapped on the couch nursing 18 hours of the day.  I guess once the weather breaks we’ll be out on many many many walks.  There’s only so much time I can spend on my play room floor handing a baby back a slobbery Sophie

I finally broke out the real camera today and I wanted share a picture

**that gorgeous bow is from my friend Sarah at Pink Donuts Designs